animals and children

OH WELL FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

By which I mean, how many boys can continue to be infuriating when you've ALREADY broken up with them AND you're 2,000 miles away? I CAN THINK OF ONE RIGHT NOWWW!

I know you care

I had a HORRIBLE New Year's because my boyfriend is a DRAMA QUEEN. He might explain it differently were you to ask him (if you know him, you probably know this wouldn't be a good idea) but my version is THE GOSPEL TRUTH because this is MY blog.

I mean it's fine now, but I feel like our relationship is in a constant state of "fine now," which is another way to say, "We just had a big fight that once again brought to light our basic and deep-seated incompatibility, but then we fucked."

Sexy Can I? or, Did You Ever Notice How the Lyrics to That One Song are RIDICULOUS?

What a coincidence! The male gaze is MY favorite gaze, TOO! Let's make out!

So when you listen to a lot of bad Top 40 hip-hop (NOT ME THOUGH BECAUSE I HAVE GREAT TASTE YOU GUYS), you hear a lot of songs about Love in the Club. One makes one's peace with the booty-poppin' and the shawtys and the Henessey and other related ephemera. You just sort of try not to process the lyrics. But I've always (OKAY YES WE ARE TALKING ABOUT ME) had a soft spot for Ray J's "Sexy Can I?", maybe because it just seems so damn POLITE. Anyway, let's take a look:

Sexy can I, just pardon my manners.
Girl how you shake it, got a nigga like ohhhh!
It's a Kodak moment, let me go and get my camera.
All I wanna know is, sexy can I.

Off to a good start! I mean, it's called "Sexy Can I?". Even acknowledging that simply because a woman ("shawty") is looking good ("fly"?) in her disco hot-pants does not necessarily mean that she is dtf on the dancefloor is a big step up from some of the date-rape-ier hits of the genre (I AM LOOKING AT YOU JAMIE FOXX AS AN OSCAR WINNER YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED). And he apologizes for his forwardness! You guys, I don't even care that I think Ray J made a sex tape with a Kardashian, I think he is a gentleman!

Also, Ray J has a very refined voice. He is what I imagine Smoove B would sound like, were Smoove B's gloriousness to take physical form. He also seems to share Smoove B's sexual predilections:

Sexy can I, hit it from the front,
then I hit it from the back,
know you like it like that,
then we take it to the bed, then we take it to the floor
then we chill for a second, then we shake that ass some more.

Oooooookayyyy. Okay, yeah. Fairly standard, and he's still asking permission! Which I'm sure he would do even if it weren't in the song title. The phrase "hit it" isn't my favorite (hit what, exactly? Because I've never had a good sexual experience that involved someone HITTING my VAGINA, and while penetrative sex is an implicitly violent act, the sexualization OF violence is kind of not cool.) but hey! Ray J knows I like it like that. Let's see where he's going with this:

Sexy can I, visit you at work

Ray J! You worship my earthy feminine sexuality but also support my career aspirations? You want to take me out for a delicious and relaxing lunch break so I'm not overwhelmed by the stresses of my high-powered job? RAY J I THINK I LOVE YOU --

When you sliding down the pole,
no panties, no shirt.

OH I SEE I AM A STRIPPER NEVER MIND.

Then you climb back up the pole,
then you drop and do the splits.
How you make that pussy talk,
Baby damn, you is da shit.

I'm not even sure I want to know what "mak[ing] that pussy talk" involves. (I'M LYING, Urban Dictionary seems to be saying it's wet, suction-y noises during sex. Which, that's not really a skill, it just sort of happens sometimes.) ANYWAY it turns out that the phrase "can I?" and a pleasant light tenor can trick me into not hearing that this song is TOTALLY ABOUT A STRIPPER YOU GUYS. Why? Is this the sexiest thing Ray J's crack songwriting team (Victor Carraway, Noel Fisher, Raymond Norwood and Christian Ward I HAVE MY EYE ON YOU RASCALS) could come up with? Why do people want to hear about this stuff? Why does this make me miss a time when the women idealized in pop music were sex objects but not (usually) literal sex workers? Is this a trend? WHY CAN'T I GO BACK TO WHEN I DIDN'T HEAR THESE LYRICS?

The funny thing is, the video has no strippers or references to stripping, just ladies in a car, the club, a hot tub, a pool, Ray J's bed (!), Ray J's kitchen (?) and a different club that may also be in Ray J's house. I'm so CONFUSED about this song now. Basically, I used to think it was kind of NICE and sort of RESPECTFUL or something and now I feel BETRAYED but I don't know WHY because strippers are people TOO and the titular, nameless "sexy" still has some agency and I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE YOU GUYS I JUST DON'T.

I said, can I just have some fun?
We about to sign a mansion now
And we can do it with the cameras out
Sexy, can I?

CLASSY.


WATCH THE ROAD, RAY J!

Oh baby you, you got what I need

I really, really need my DRUGSSSSSSSS.



Well, those are E, and all I want is my boring, legal, prescribed ritalin so I can do homework. LIVING ON THE EDGE. Anyway, Health Services and CVS and Aetna Insurance are all dicking with me this week. "The motherfuckery of the American health care system," is an excuse I've never given for late assignments before, though, so there's that.

Ritalin is weird stuff though, you guys.



That little old lady is HIGH AS SHIT. She's peeled 6,347 potatoes so far today; she is a goddamn potato-peeling goddess machiiiiiiiiine yeahhhhh.

That's not what my vagina looks like.

This painting is The Origin of the World (L’Origine du monde), painted by Gustave Courbet in 1866.



According to postcard sales, it is the second most popular work in the Musée d'Orsay. Here it is in much higher resolution.

It's all very scandalous and controversial and I'm not really sure why people get so excited about a sanitized, labia-less crotch shot that's another classic example of the male gaze that prevails in Western art, but hey! Vaginas are scary, especially when they have pubic hair.

Courbet was a chill dude, though.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH BEAR-UH

A CRUCIAL ADDITION:



This beautiful girl, who is clearly expressing her strong opinions on many important topics, is my best friend. Today she turned 20, which means she is a grown-up, so the world better just watch out!

Also, she said we could start a blog together, so maybe that would mean I would have one that got updated like, ever.

way out in the water

Guess whose beach weekend got canceled because that's how her life works. YEAH, THIS GIRL.



Really it was because one of the boyf's, uh, "business associates" got, uh, "jacked at gunpoint" by, uh, "four black guys in a Chevy" and he was nervous about his rent money.

BUT I STILL MAINTAIN IT ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET TO GO TO THE BEACH. What good are my cute shoes now, I ask you?

that girl is a bad girl

I'm bringing three pairs of shoes for a two-night trip to the beach.



CLEARLY I AM DANGEROUSLY INSANE. But I will look sooo cute!

easy like Sunday morning

So there's a boy. And we had sex last night. And I haven't thought about anything else all day.

FUCK YES.

This is the Hermione Granger costume I wore when THE MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF HARRY POTTER 6 ROCKED MY FACE OFF.



NO THIS ISN'T EMBARRASSING WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.